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Always felt I was outside looking in on you (5:09pm) I was really lazy today. I didn't get up until 2pm overall. I went to bed around 2am. I can't stand BellSouth because I just got disconnected yet again. At least I can still type here even when I'm offline and just reconnect to post. Otherwise, there'd be some hell to pay. I've been trying to see how long I can go without taking Benedryl but I'm beginning to think that's just a silly idea. I always end up taking it at some point. I just took some now. I'm feeling strange today. Not a bad mood, not a good mood. Very mediocre. Very blah. I'm listening to Garbage but think I'll switch to something else. I miss the CD's I left behind and the books. I'm confused because I thought I had all the ones I wanted packed. I must have misplaced a box somewhere. I wish there was something I could do to help my friend on ICQ. It's hard to help someone when they don't want to acknowledge a positive side...When they don't want anyone to care...So no one will miss them...And they can go guilt free. This person keeps trying to tell me that I don't care...That I hate who they are...So the memories come pouring back to how I used to feel...Reminders of the other people I know who feel or felt the same way. How alone you feel, hopeless...Beyond help, worthless. I wasn't even looking for a way out anymore. It fell in my lap. I am lucky and I take that for granted. Sometimes all you can do is remind them that you still care because that's all that keeps them here. I would say the majority of suicides are people who were victims of society. I want to make this clear that what I'm about to say is in no relation to the terrorist attacks though it may be applied. If anyone is reading this who is having high emotions regarding the horror of the Sept. 11 events, I recommend *not* reading this. And please don't read it just because you want to get all fired up about it since I said that. My only defense to my way of thought is that it's just the way I think, what I believe, and the things I question. I'm not going to try to justify it. What gives us the right to say what's beautiful and what's not? What's acceptable, what's right or wrong? To judge people, to criticize them for things that can't be helped? A butterfly is beautiful but a roach is ugly. Why? A butterfly is more appealing for color or design. A roach lacks these. A roach is a disgusting pest. You can't give factual evidence, solid concrete scientifically proven facts that a roach is ugly. These are the ideas in our mind that hold us back, that keep our appreciation for things at a limit. To kill another human is wrong. Why? The Bible says so? It's against the law? It just is? Animals do it. It's no crime. It's survival. Why shouldn't we do the same? Because we're beyond that? Because we're not "animals?" We certainly can't say because killing is wrong. Tell me you've never killed an ant, a mosquito, picked a flower. We know it's wrong to kill another human? We made it wrong. What's my reasoning behind those ideas? I couldn't really say. My best argument is that it's because we can build up attachments, love...It makes the loss worse. If we didn't have love or those special bonds...Who would care if someone was killed? But who is to say that animals cannot build up these attachments? My second best argument: we've made killing wrong because we don't need to kill. Animals kill their own kind for survival, for the best mate, for food, to assure the best of their species survive. We don't really need to do that. But then that's from the point of view of a middle class girl. We are the ones who decide what is right, wrong, acceptable, beautfiul, etc. We pass along ideas of these as we go. Those who do not fit our idea of beautiful/acceptable/normal suffer for it. Yes, people go too far. When you kill for pleasure, kill thousands to prove something to yourself, you've gone too far. But you'd never see an animal do something like that. So who is the real beast on this planet? We're so cruel to one another. Our minds are too full of how things should be to realize we're fine with what we have. We're obsessed with more when what we have is good enough. So today I wish I was a blade of grass. I don't take too much from this world, just a little sunlight and some nutrients from the soil. Everyday I help. I hold the soil in place so it won't erode away, I recycle the air. I am self sufficient. I don't need another blade of grass to keep me company. I don't need my fellow blades of grass to love me. I may be cut down or stepped on, but I will grow back. And when I finally die, I will return my entire self to the earth that supported me. (8:34pm) (1:12am - 9/24/01) They always say 'Leave me alone,' 'I don't want/need your help,' 'You wouldn't understand.' Yet they always reach out. Even though some reach out only to argue, to further tell themselves you hate them. I hate feeling helpless. I hate knowing...There's nothing I can do to help this person. Trying to carry on normal conversation, to bring up something different...But they always bring it back around. I remember screaming inside...Desperately wishing I could cry tears I no longer had...That something would end it all. You reach out for sympathy, reach out for signs of caring...Hoping someone gives a damn...But once you know its there you do all you can to blot it out with the secret hope they won't give up on you. You lie to yourself, you lie to others instead of saying, "Please can't someone help me? Please make this life worth living." But you're looking for specific solutions. Most are looking for love...Not family and friend love...The love a step beyond that. They know it won't solve all their problems...We all know it won't solve all the problems...But it couldn't hurt could it? I have *GOT* to get off this subject. I just can't help it. I'm hooked. I watched the "Adult Swim" on Cartoon Network today. I was wrong. It starts at 10 and not 9. Sorry Tarot if you tried to watch it! I had my peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk...Sat on the rug in front of the TV. All that was missing was my mom telling me to scoot back and that I better not spill anything. I felt like such a kid :) Sitting there in PJ's. I think I'll make that a ritual of sorts. Yes, that makes me very happy just to think about it :) And I still wish I was a blade of grass. I'm beginning to see that as one of the more perfect roles in life. Metaphorically speaking, I like it a lot. I just want my innocence back. (1:38pm - 9/24/01) |