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Wake up call I've been thinking about my childhood a lot lately. Just being in such an innocent time of my life. I had quite the imagination. My mom told me I had an invisible friend but that I don't remember. I spent every possible waking moment outside playing with my friends. Well I had one really good neighborhood friend and we'd do all sorts of imaginative things. I miss not having to be concerned about the future. I was only interested in the here and now, or when I could go out and play. Those are times I could look back on and say that yes, I was truly happy back then. It all relates to the saying "ignorance is bliss." So what about now? I would say that I am happy now. I have moments, we all do, when the things we worry about or upset us have piled up too high. I have problems like money and family but they aren't dominating my stream of thought. My mom thinks I don't worry enough, but I know that it's just a difference in opinion on what's worth worrying over more. Lately with increased correspondence with my friends and family, I've also been able to realize how much my friends and I still do care about each other even though we're so far apart. Not that I ever thought they stopped, but just to be reminded that we're not simply a passing thought on some odd day, we're in each others' hearts always. We may not keep in the best touch, but that doesn't mean we've forgotten :) And that has made me very happy. I also take comfort in knowing that my family loves me. That may sound stupid, but my family doesn't get along. My brother and I are the only ones my dad still talks to. I know my dad cares about me but it's very hard to know he wants to do so much for me, but doesn't want to lift a finger for my sister. At the same time, my sister wouldn't want a thing from him and if she got anything, wouldn't be appreciative. So can I blame him or not? She wouldn't do anything for him in the first place and the two practically hate each other. I just know that if something happens to one, the other will never forgive him/herself. I just wish they could see that... I know I lose sight of what matters all too often. I focus on the fact that I have bad skin or my car is half broken down...That I can't beat any of the Final Fantasy games. I know those shouldn't matter...It's just too easy to focus on what's bad. I can't help it. People can tell me over and over, I can argue with myself over and over...Yes, I have the love of family and friends...Yes, I know I could have it so much worse...Yes, I'm lucky to have the things I do especially since I don't pay rent or hardly any bills...But in a few moments I could bet my life that those facts will fade in the background and I'll have something petty and new to complain about. I'll be back swimming in my pool of cynicism, hypocrisy, self loathing, self pity, selfishness and who knows what else is in there. I'm just going to try to stay out as long as possible this time. |