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Bitching **WARNING** Not exactly a fun read. As a side note, I'm fine, and I'll probably have this all tucked away next time I see anyone. I'll be my "ever-smiling-always-happy-if-not-bitching-about-something" self. I was sitting here semi depressed, thinking to myself, I have plenty to say. Plenty to tell the world. Sitting here listening to depressing music, messing up my thoughts. A million things. My life is so simple and yet complex. Just full of contradictions, like having everything and nothing. My dream world is starting to invade my real one again. It's gaining power and I don't know why. I used it to escape my problems in the real world. But when that got too messed up, I was actually turning to the real world to get away. I suppose they are in a tug of war right now, dreams getting the upper hand every now and then. I just want to lie in bed and dream or create storylines in my head. A large part of it might be my internet life. It's sort of a borderline between the two. But a lot of it floods into the real aspects of my life. I think that combined with my real problems makes me want to be somewhere completely different. Somewhere where I can do something about the problems around me. Although I can't make them come true, I am the one in control where dreams are concerned. My flaws have been brought to my attention again recently and that's kind of a killer. Mainly because, well I have several. I dont think there is anything quite right about me sometimes. And plus spending so many years of my life as nothing but depressed gives you an odd slant on things of course. I feel like I've analyzed myself to death. I know I am selfish, very VERY selfish let me tell you. I jump to conclusions, assume to much, expect too much, do too little. Every now and then, and get this, how ironic is this? Every now and then I actually think I'm somebody important, that I make a difference in someone's life, that someone might care that extra ounce. I know people care, that's not really what I'm saying. You realize how a day can turn to shit with just one simple incident? One customer on the phone, yelling at me over a broken bottle of wine. That just kills me. You go from great day to horrible day in one small instant and you can't get that back. That happiness is lost on one moment in time. One small moment. That's how my life goes really...Spend so much time building up happiness, hope...just when you think things are great, just when you are confident you can go outside without it raining...it pours. Maybe I am tired of being nice. I am tired of always being the one to step to the side on a sidewalk, always being the one to listen, always being the one to give in and apologize. My life is filled with "I'm sorry"'s. I wish I could fight back, stand up for myself, take charge. I can't. I can't because I hate confrontation and I can cry over something at the drop of hat. I can't because I know how those little things will ruin someone's day so fast. Sure I can on the internet. How easy is that? I want so much for a world that acts like it's against me, a world that could care less if I shriveled up and died. This world just looks out for itself. I know I said I'm selfish, very, and of course I look out for myself too...but to me it's not the same. I'm selfish because I want all Kelly's time, I want all his attention. I want him to love me forever. I want him to be able to do anything for me, give me anything I want. And I want to be successful, comfortable, and known and I want to have money and decent living and plenty of pets. I want to have good friends, not that I don't now. I want people to be able to look up to me. I want the love and attention that I rarely got in high school where my life was ruined and it's path set in stone. And in all those ways, I am selfish. I want all those things for me. So what�s the difference? If I had to intentionally hurt one person in order to achieve what I want, I wouldn�t be able to do it. Sometimes I feel like I am just destined to be alone in this world. I think someone up there has just decided to torment me. Of course I don�t appreciate that, but I doubt he cares. Why is God ever-loving and ever-forgiving? Don't ask me. I don't believe that one tiny bit. I wish people would just give up on me because I don't feel I'm worth the effort. No matter how hard I try, how hard anyone tries for me, I believe my fate has been decided. Don't blame God, it's not his fault. Of course it isn't. We make our own decisions right? We have free will, we choose our own paths. And isn't it hypocritical of me to think that God has steered my life down a lonely dead end road? Probably. Yes. I don't know. No. I do believe in God. I don't believe he's some great guy up in Heaven. I don't believe he's ever-loving or ever-forgiving. How can he be? If he's forgiving why is there Hell? If he loves everyone why is there suffering? All the famous unanswerable questions. And the ever-present answer "You just have to have FAITH." So why have hope and love when they will just be destroyed? I feel like something really bad is going to happen, I just don't know what. But bring it on God. You're not going to win. I can see what you're doing right now and if it happens, it's only pushing me further. No matter what happens next, I don't need you. This entry makes absolutely no sense to me. God is just an easy target to blame. I know I'm just venting. But I don't care. So what is really wrong? What is your problem today? Please tell me so I can help you. |