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Life Acting is something we all do a lot of. I know we all put on our own performances everyday. Sometimes we do such wonderful jobs we fool ourselves into thinking that everything really is alright and we are truly happy with our lives. Why, in that one moment of silence, must my mind immediately return to what it's used to? My life is no dream, but it's no nightmare either. I may complain a lot, but overall, I know what I have is many times greater than most. Well at least I like to believe that, or perhaps it's just another illusion I've lead myself to see as truth. I have been through the rough times and survived. I wouldn't say I came out on top, although with Kelly in my life it seems I have...but I survived that struggle maybe a few months before Kelly and I got together. The depression struggle, the "The whole world is against me" struggle, the "I'm better off dead" struggle. Depression hit me in the sixth grade and it didn't let go until my sophomore year in college. The questions were always coming. Why aren't I popular? Why can't I be pretty? Why doesn't anyone like me? What am I doing wrong? They go on and on. Endless streams of questions all about myself and my life. What is wrong with me that things have worked out the way they have? Is it me? Is it something beyond my control? I went through countless answers. I am shy, I have bad skin, I was adopted from another country, I am a nerd, I am ugly, It was a mistake to put me on this earth. Since I went to Catholic school, the easy target was obviously God. If God is everloving, why am I miserable? Well he must have something against me that's why. Fine. If he is going to treat me like this, I will treat him the same way. I would cry all the time. That was always my thing, crying. At the drop of a hat. And to think that it's even worse nowadays. I was disgusted with the Catholic religion, disgusted with religion in general, and of course life and myself. I remember several times where I did some rather rude things regarding my church going life and that was no good I suppose. Well, ok, I know it was downright wrong, but criminy. Anyway...I reached a peak around the seventh grade and that's when a car ran into the side of my bedroom. I remember distinctly telling my mom I did not want to sleep in my room that night. It was Halloween night, but she made me anyway. So this car crashes in, three feet from my bed. Everyone was so thankful it didn't hit me or my sister since we had bunk beds at the time. But immediately I thought, God is trying to tell me something, basically to straighten up because he could kill me if he wanted to. And believe me, with my attitude, it was just fuel to the fire. I never got extremely suicidal. Oh there were thoughts, but never any action. I think I would be too scared to go through with anything. I think I've said this before, but suicide is very selfish. I couldn't be that selfish. I thought too much of my family and the friends that I did have. So I began to push away. This is why my relationship with my parents is so horrible these days. I pushed too far, trying to get no one to care. If no one cared, I was sure I could do it. But some people never stop caring. High school is of course where it got really bad. There's pressures from all over the place and of course, as I've said before, it ruined me for good. I won't go into that part, I've talked enough about that for a lifetime I'm sure :) But now I'm paranoid and defensive. I'm not paranoid about Kelly cheating on me, which is the good part, just paraniod over losing him fair and square. Also paranoid of people always judging. I can't help but feel like people are always judging me but also in return, I'm always judging as well. I've lost my train of thought. But it's probably for the best. I should go to bed... Knowledge is power, but ignorance is bliss :) |