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My Dad/Ode to my Family I had a few things to say last night but I couldn't log onto diaryland for some reason. I could do just about anything except log on. Probably for the best since all I usually do is complain. I know I have to talk to my dad sometime tomorrow and tell him a few things, maybe even argue with him a little. He wants to go to my sister's graduation and even wants to see us kids afterwards. But the plans have already been made and he should have thought about things a little more in the past. My sister and my dad have a very nasty relationship. When is he going to learn that this world is not about him? It doesn't revolve around him, and our lives don't revolve around him. We have our own lives, this is our time to get out in that world and make something of ourselves and the last thing we, especially my sister, need is for him to be blaming his entire life's problems on us. You can say we're selfish, we should be there for our dad. That may be true, but it's easy to be a simple reader and think that to yourself. It's very difficult, especially when your relationship with your parents hasn't been the strongest. My dad is near impossible. He has one of the worser types of personalities in this world. His way or the highway. He's always right. Even when the truth is slapping him in the face, he'll deny any blame for this entire divorce. "I was a good father." I've heard that a million times. Yes he was in some aspects but he also wasn't. He was never there. He would go golf rather than stay for our birthdays. There are limits to things. He may have bought us cars, regardless of the fact that they were a drain and falling apart. He gave us freedom. But he has no idea that you can't earn real love and respect by giving things. You have to be there. I'm caught in the middle somewhere and that's my own fault. Not that I believe I should be taking sides. As my friend Cas points out, I have no backbone, I just can't stand up to people. But I feel I'm all my dad has sometimes. Not that it's surprising to me. I just rather deal with his attitude silenty than have him feel like there's no one out there for him. But I know there has to be a breaking point. I can only listen to so many comments about my mom and sister. I can only deal so much with his breakdowns and problems. I just wish he'd see things for the better rather than wallow in misery. It's not like my life doesn't have its problems, though they are mostly financial. Aren't the problems always endless though? Always in the background, just waiting until you get a moment to think, then they surge back and go in for the kill. I talked to my sister tonight, asking her questions that my dad wanted me to ask her about graduation. I also learned a few more things about what he's said to her lately. If I were her, I'd truly rather not have him anywhere near my graduation. She made a very good point. Her graduation is *her* day, but he will see it as his. I always wondered what would happen if, *IF* I ever got married. How could I not invite him? The last wedding I went to I almost cried when the bride dances with her father. I just know it would not go well. He'd look over the fact that that is my day. And my plans are so high and hopeful for my wedding, I just know something very bad would happen. I have the same problem with that as my sister. She wants him at her graduation, but she doesn't. She wants him there because he is her father and although things are terrible now, there was a time when they were great. She also doesn't want him to hold it against her. He almost thrives on collecting fuel for his fire. He just has no self control. I can barely have a conversation with him without him breaking down once or twice. It's one extreme or another...breaking down in tears or yelling and screaming till his voice gives out. And believe me, it does. My dad is/was very religious. I really don't know where he stands right now. Overall, he uses religion to his best advantage. Honor thy father and thy mother. I never hear the end of that. But in reality, there is a certain amount of respect you must have toward your child. They are a human being too. You can't just walk all over them. I'm not sure where he stands religion-wise since when they first go the divorce, all I heard was how much time he spends at church, how much he prays asking for strength etc. But when we went to Wisconsin he wanted to know what I thought about religion. I told him he shouldn't ask me that question. I don't feel anyone who is struggling should ask me that question. But twist my arm, ok :) So I laid it in front of him and thought about things awhile, asked me a few questions about why I stand where I stand. Maybe it was because he wanted to get along with me, maybe it was because the moment compelled him, but he never argued once, and he agreed to everything I said. It's hard to change your ways though. I think he's still fairly religious to suit his own needs. Ah life is grand isn't it? I can remember a few good times with my dad, not that I think that's bad. I remember just as much with my mom probably. But they are all so long ago. I wish I didn't have to deal with this. I wish no one had to deal with things like this. Here are the words to a song that never fails to make me cry: Understand the things I say. Don't turn away from me. Unhappinenss, where's when I was young and we didn't give a damn? My mother, my mother, she'd hold me...she'd hold me when I was out there. Understand what I've become. It wasn't my design. Unhappiness, where's when I was young and we didn't give a damn. |